(My Favorite Poem)
During my first year at Cape Fear Community College I took all the intro classes that people take if they planed to transfer to a University. I took Intro to Communication Studies, Literature, Spanish, Math Science and General College Math. It had been a long time since I had to take a test that counted for a grade so I was pretty nervous. Once I got into the swing of things I was pulling A's. My Intro to Computing and Application (Computer stuff) class was difficult however. I'm not overly computer savvy. I had to cheat my way to a C in that class. It was the only C in my college career.
The classes that really got my attention were Intro to Creative Writing, Sociology, and Psychology. Having read the Bible from cover to cover consecutively for so many years I had a fairly good idea about who God is that it talks about, consequently, I was pretty well grounded in my personal Faith. But now that I was studying Psychology and Sociology the question of Nature verses Nurture came up and I had to ask myself about the validity of science within faith. This opened a metaphysical Pandora's Box in my head. Creative Writing helped me put it on paper and in poems which I found very satisfying work. The truth was, I was well on my way to becoming a discerner of art and it felt good under my skin.
Having raised two drama kids (Shaun being the performer and Sarah being the Thespian running the tech board and doing stage directions), I realized how exciting the arts were. Along with that awakening I discovered that God had intentions for me to not only love art but the artists as well. To do this I became enamored with the Mind. I wanted to know how it worked and what created motives. Was it science or faith? I was fully convinced that every person had a form of brilliance inside them, but they also had an equal amount of foolishness to deal with. I believed God could correct the foolishness and polish the brilliance, but us humans have a hard time separating the two long enough for the work to begin, let alone be completed. I wanted to understand why this was. Was it because of DNA, Geography, or God given natures? Thoughts like these I'd chew on like a cow's cud.
During this time I started conversing with a long time friend of mine (L) who had moved to New York. We chatted about all the things I was struggling with and learning in school. L was like a Camus; independent, artistic, and a rebel. After a few months I started giving him the pieces of my heart that broke off when Mark told me everything I was studying was stupid and worthless. Eventually L became my best friend and the calls turned into emotional connections and poetry. I knew I was walking on a thin wire but it felt good to be in an understanding (without being physical) place. I got carless with the affair when I found Mark doing cocaine at a Hot Wax party we held at our house (which explained all the teeth grinding he'd been doing lately). I started considering visiting L in NY and maybe trying out the physical side of the affair, but I never did. There was no way I could justify something like that to God. What I did do however, was dive completely pell mell into all the new friendships I was making at school after that. Consequently, it didn't take long for me to be miles away from Mark in my head once I was with friends who spoke the same language I was learning....the language of Art.
"Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful."
Antoine de Saint Exupery
We sold our condo at Snowshoe and bought another one at Carolina Beach. As Mark and I were in the process of redecorating it I found myself sitting alone in the center of the torn apart kitchen crying. I was facing the hard fact that I didn't want to be married anymore. I wanted to get to know who I was and learn about what was next for me.
Sarah was now a sophomore in high school and one of the most influential people I knew. Her strong character was working in her favor and I was very proud of her. We were very close. I told her I was considering moving out for awhile and I told her why. Because of her flimsy relationship with Mark she understood and wanted to go with me. "That wouldn't be a good idea because of school." I told her. "However you can visit when ever you want." I promised. We had a good cry together before I told Mark about my plans.
I moved to a small loft above a friend's house who I played softball with. I started smoking to calm my nerves. Then I smoked because I liked it. I had always been adamant about not smoking but it seemed I was turning into a hypocrite anyway so, what the hell. Mark and I started counseling but at this point I was tired of Mark's accusations that Sarah and I were in co-hoots against him and that we were evil and that I was unaware of the true meaning of God. Truth was, I didn't put much faith in the sessions. I was learning the vocabulary of the mental sciences and reading lots of books on Codependency which didn't help Mark's argument when the cocaine came up. When the L affair surfaced Mark was hurt so badly it dominated our counseling sessions from then on. The cocaine use got shuffled under the rug. After a while no one remembered who broke the trust in our marriage first. We both quit counseling.
What finally go me to move back home was Sarah. She was having a hard time living alone with Mark. It was breaking my heart to hear her cry because he was telling her I was to blame for everything. "She had the affair. She's the one at fault." he'd tell her. He liked to convince every one that I was ungrateful, and that both Sarah and I would be nothing without him. When Sarah visited me in my little pad I saw the sorrow in her eyes and it killed me, so, I moved back home to be with her. And the truth was, my time spent in my little pad had reveled that I really needed to think about what I was giving up. What my life would be like without Mark and Hot Wax. Was I absolutely ready to turn my back on everything I was learning about myself while at school to continue in a relationship with a man who found me uninteresting, unfruitful, and who I could give nothing to he couldn't get himself?
That was the million dollar question in 2002.
When I was a child I would catch bees and tie strings around their legs.
I delighted to watch them fly at the other end of my leash.
I did not know that they could not help the flowers grow or make sweet honey while I held the other end of the string.
Some of the bees even died.
So did the butterflies I would catch and put in jars.
Tamara
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