2004: The Divorce, Panama (where I kissed a girl), Italy, & Family Bitterness

Truth is so obscure now a days and lies so well established that unless we love the truth we shall never recognize it.           

Pascal 

By now Mark and I were living different lives. He remained the Bossman at Hot Wax while I turned into an inquirer of the arts. On the side Mark wanted life to be a rock-and-roll surf party, while I wanted to sit with philosophers, theologians, painters and writers. The Truth was, in school I was learning the continual language of human thought, and I was giddy about it. The more I was learning the more questions I had. Inquiring became a drug to me. Mark was taking other drugs, so our highs were very different.   

Mark was always a good man, he's romantic and secure, but he also likes to dominate. This makes him a good business person, unfortunately, this also makes him somewhat obtrusive to independent thinkers. Over the years our conversations about things became arbitrary verbal signals and gestures with missed cues. We didn't even know when to laugh in each others' presence. It was time both of us moved on into worlds that understood not only our sense of humor, but also our definition of Submission.

The details about our divorce will be in my book, (among other life details that I can't fit into the limited space of a blog). Truth was, there were a lot of aspects to our separation. I will say however, that even though we made lots of money together and traveled the world for over twenty years, even though we were pretty good parents together and took care of our family members when they needed us, and even though we looked like the perfect nuclear couple around town, we were far from intimate friends. We were strangers with benefits.

At the end of our divorce fiasco, we had added up our empire and split it down the middle. Mark got all his rock & roll autographs, I got the Tommy pinball machine. We haven't really spoken since. I find that sad.

This year my little baby girl graduated from high School. She had gotten a Teaching Fellows Scholarship and was heading to UNCG in the Fall to become a drama school teacher. Since I had graduated from the Community College and was now heading to UNCW, we would somewhat be going to Universities together. I was excited about that. It's funny, when I started collage in 2000 fellow students knew me as Shaun's Mom because they were his classmates. In 2004 classmates knew me as Sarah's Mom. I was proud of both titles.

The Summer before the UNCW school year started I went on two substantial trips, one to Panama with a group of girls and the other to Italy with Sarah. Both trips held epiphanies for me.  

I went to Panama with the girls that were in Costa Rica while I was there in 2000. This would be the first complete estrogen trip I had ever been on. Us girls, (G, C, and I), stayed at a small surf camp in Santa Catalina. The waves were a constant and fun 4 to 6ft. At one point a good 6 to 8ft. South swell moved in and we took a boat to Punta Roca. All of us girls were chargers, so we held our own amongst the locals. We surfed twice a day and then drank beer until we passed out. In between we ate at local restaurants and bars.

Santa Catalina

One afternoon, while at a bar, we managed to strike up a conversation with a local guy who had a horse. We asked him if we could take it on the beach for a run. "No hay problema." he said. When he brought the horse to us it looked skinny and young. "I'll go first," said C. G and I were good with that. Personally, I'd been on 3rd world horses before and I understood that you never know what you're going to get with them. If C wanted to go first, well, that was okay with me.

C hopped in the saddle and was immediately bucked off.  Everyone within a 100 yard radius started giggling, even C. In true good sportsmanship style, she jumped back on. Suddenly the horse took off in a full run down the local road and through the little Panama town. C could only hold on for dear life.

At first G and I were stunned. I feared C falling off and getting hurt. However, both of us were laughing so hard it took us a minute to realize we needed to go after her. 

As we walked down the town's road to meet our comrade on the run away horse the local children were eager to show us the way she went with their pointing fingers and shouts, "Vaquera!" (cowgirl). They too were laughing hysterically.

By the time we walked about 1/2 a mile we spotted C coming back holding the horse by the reigns.
"What happened?" I asked.
"I don't know. The tighter I held the reigns the faster the damn thing ran." C replied.
"How'd you stop?"
"I had both legs on one side ready to jump off when the horse just stopped. It was like it figured I was done with the run." We laughed at the prospects of the animal knowing when to cease the mayhem.
"Well, I'm glad you didn't fall off." I said gratefully. The last thing I wanted to do was spend the rest of our trip visiting C in the local hospital.
"Yeah, well, who's next?" asked C. G and I looked at each other, "Not it," we said in unison.
 As we walked back to the beach to return the horse we were laughing so hard the whole town joined us in the uproar. For the rest of the trip, every time we walked through town, we heard, "Quirer comprar un caballo?" (You want to buy a horse?)

On that trip C and I started talking. She was so easy to relate to that we chatted about everything. Her clear ocean blue eyes had a way of bringing out my personal side. She made me feel like she wanted to hang on my every word. In her presence I was an interesting person. And before this trip I hadn't laughed like she made me laugh in years. I was taken back when one afternoon, in a small tide pool in Panama, I kissed a girl. We kissed a lot....and some. Curiously enough, from that day forward, my life would be incredibly different. Who knew a woman could be so pleasant to be with.

  Firenze, Italy

For Sarah's graduation present Mark and I sent her to Europe for two months. Since 911 traveling had become a hassle, so I was glad when Mark flew with her to London to help her get acclimated. They also took in the sights. This was a difficult part of her trip since the two weren't relating very well and all Mark wanted to talk about was how much I was a snot. When Mark flew home Sarah was free to roam the European rails and find her inner being. I was so proud of her, but I was also nervous. She knew this and stayed connected regularly. Like Shaun, this adventure was the beginning of Sarah's own life story. 

At the end of Sarah's trip I met her in Venice Italy. After touring around that beautiful place a couple of days we hopped a train to Florence. In Florence Sarah and I rented scooters. After 30 minutes of riding around all those one-way Italian roads Sarah took a pretty good spill. She turned a corner too fast and the scooter slid out from under her and lightly hit a car. Her knee was bruised and bleeding but didn't need anything more than a good cleaning. She refused to do anything but walk back to the hostel we were staying at. This left me with walking two scooters more that a mile back to the rental place. I was so pissed! Once I paid for the dents and broken tail light, the woman at the rental place told me I could have my scooter for another 30 minutes if I wanted. I jumped at the chance to scoot around Florence by myself. The day ended with a good time on the streets...then a bottle of fine Italian wine.   

Sistine Chapel

After Florence took a train to Rome to visit the Vatican. Because I was so in love with the Renaissance period, Rome was a delight. I savored every painting, water fountain, and statue I saw...all 300+ of them. 

In Italy, I spotted for the first time a Smart Car. I had never seen anything on four wheels so cute!, and Italy was full of them. "I want to drive one of those." I told Sarah. We rented one of the adorable machines and proceeded to drive around Rome. Our goal was to drive to the coast of the Tyrrhenian Sea to check out the waves. At first Sarah and I fought about directions. Neither one of us read Italian so neither one of us could read the street signs, (there were no iPhones yet to google the way).

After going around in circles for 20 minutes I decided to take a random exit. Fortunately it was the A91 heading to the beaches of Fiumicino. We were on our way. 

Once we pulled up to the coast we got our feet wet in the cool, totally flat, Tyrrhenian Sea. We spent the day walking around and shopping in the local shops. The day ended up being truly wonderful...and I got the Smart Car up to 85 before it started to skip like it wanted to fly. They're a little shaky at high speeds, I will give these Smart Cars props for their gas milage though. (I'll add a picture of the Smart Car when Sarah emails it to me.)

Grand Targhee Wyoming

The year ended with a snowboarding trip to Wyoming with my brother. We we chatted about my divorce. He wanted to know the details. After trying to explain my side of things I told my brother that I still wanted to be his surf-trip buddy. "Let's plan a trip to Mexico." I said, he didn't really reply.  Later I found out why. Mark and my brother already had a trip planed. I was so hurt. Later my brother told me how happy he was to have a brother. The pain of losing my brother to my ex was devastating. Deep down I believed it was because Mark got the surf shop (with all it's goods, including surfboards) in the separation. It felt like even my Mom wasn't really there for me, but, the truth was, we never really talked about deep things, ever, and she acted like she didn't want to get involved. At the end of 2004 I couldn't help but put California on the far back burner to simmer. This was easy to do since my family rarely came out to the East Coast to visit anyway. It hurt my heart.

2004 was truly bitter-sweet. 

"...and then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom."    Anais Nin

To Date: Innate Lessons

"What is it you have learned my child?"

1) biggest feeling wave ridden: Cloudbreak; 18ft. at takeoff.

As a Kneeboarder, anything over 4ft. is over head. When you're speeding down the large face of Couldbreak, looking up to see the lip is almost nauseating.

On big waves I have to take off late because my board is a 21 inch wide  5'7". (Flippers are my best friend.) The view from the top of a large wave about to break is spectacular. It's like the view from the top of a Ferris-wheel, but over the ocean....and it's bottom floor.

2) best tube ever: Cloudbreak's inside tube, Shiskabobs.

The reason this tube tops the list is because it took me so long to get up the nerve to tuck in one. I didn't want to eat it over the reef bottom that can be seen CLEARLY while riding Cloudbreak, so, I always pulled out before the tube threw.

However,

One particular day I rode a wave into Shiskabobs. The face had settled at a little over 8ft.. Conditions were clean. I knew I had to tuck in this time or suffer the dreadful 'should haves.' So, I set my self high on the face and picked up speed. Then, as I gradually rode down the face, I placed my left hand in the wave to control my speed and drift. I watched the wave setting up to throw out. I didn't tuck because I didn't have too. Instead I pulled my ears close to the face and set my line.

The lip threw over me. I tightened the grip on my right outside rail. The wave wrapped around me. The famous "whoooooh" (say it has a whisper) of a tube's hollow cylinder filled my ears.

The barrel's opening got farther away. I almost panicked when I considered the power surrounding me, racing upon me from behind. The door gained speed, moving farther from me. I set my eyes ahead on the shoulder. I held fast. I think I was holding my breath but I can't be sure.

Suddenly...

The opening started coming back to me. It was getting larger. Daylight was brighter than ever through the expanding exit. I climbed a little higher on the face and gained some speed.  
"I'm going to make it," I thought.

I felt the explosive spray push on my back as I exited the cylinder. In a panic I dropped low and bottom turned quickly. I raced for the top and flew over the wave into the air.

I'll never forget it.

3a) worse wipe out: There were two, Newport Beach 1974, and Sunset 1979.

Newport: The waves were about 6ft. and low-tide hollow. I took a late drop and free-fell to the bottom. I landed on the rail of my board before I went under and hit the sand. I lost my flippers. My leash wrapped around my legs, so they were of no help.

My back and ribs hurt, but I was in the impact zone and couldn't do anything but try to relax in the tumble. I felt my board break away from the leash and the leash loosen up. I hit the bottom again and managed to adjust myself to spring off of it. Within a sliver of a second I surfaced gasping for air, only to be dragged down again by another wave.

By the time I swam in, my head was spinning. My upper back felt like a cannon ball hit it, and every breath hurt my ribs. It was the first time I thought I was a dead little girl.

Sunset: This was one of those days when a large North-East swell AND a more East swell moved in at the same time. I didn't want to ride the NE waves because, if you did, you could run the risk of getting caught inside when a wave from the E rolled in.

While waiting in the line-up I started chatting with friends. We didn't noticed we had drifted into the line up perfect for a NE take-off. "No problem. I'll just take one of them and ride fast to the shoulder." I thought.

The set moved in and I paddled into position. I'm in the habit of taking the third wave so I waited for the first two to take other surfers out of the line up before I set myself up. When I turned around to focus in front of me I noticed one of the surfers had fallen and was now in my way. I desperately back-paddled to get out of the wave, barely escaping before I was committed.  When I turned around a large E wave was rolling towards me, and I was in the impact zone!

In a frenzy I paddled for the wave.  I knew I was in trouble. I watched the lip feather as I climbed the face. Once at the top I tasted relief, but it was short. At the edge I felt the wave grab a hold of me. I was hopelessly, slowly, going over the falls backwards on a very large Sunset wave. All I could see was the sky until I got the wind knocked out of me.

I tumbled in the usual fashion, losing my flippers and board, but I didn't hit the reef until I was trying to get to the beach. I had to go in through Boneyards.

3b) how many times have you almost drowned?

Three times I thought for sure I was going to pass from this life into the after-life. I had other close-calls, but they were nothing more than that.
It's an odd thing to face death.

4) most embarrassing surfing moment: Costa Rica, Trip #2

One morning the group and I woke up really early to catch a boat to Witch's Rock. I didn't have a chance to do my morning constitutional but, I was feeling fine so I didn't think much about it. For some reason the truth about CR coffee being a clear-all slipped my mind.

When we were 15 minutes from Witch's Rock my stomach started rumbling. By the time the boat reached the line up, I was having a difficult time keeping things intact with a tight squeeze. Before we anchored I was out of the boat and swimming away in the clear warm water. I didn't get far from the boat when my sphincter muscles relaxed. I had to stop swimming and adjust my swimsuit to accommodate the rush. The stuff from my colon floated around me for all to see.

5) most interesting thing surfing as taught me: Where wax won't melt in a car.

Wax placed on the floor of a car between the front seat and the door doesn't melt. It has never melted there in all my years of experimenting with wax science; even when the interior of my car got hot enough to heat the water in my bottle up to hot-tea status.

"Who knew?"

Apologia

"Say, Summer!"

I apologize for being slow on my blogs lately. My work schedule has doubled in hours for the Summer, and when I have time off I like to go outside to play. As far as surfing on the East Coast, waves during the warm water months are sporadic, therefore, we who live here, must get them while we can (day off + waves = Yahoo!). I've also been riding my bicycle and walking 18 holes of Disc Golf two or three times a week. All this is why I've been slow with the blogs.

Please forgive....however,

If you too like to play outside...

If you were that kid who lived for Summer,
If when you were ten you only came in when your Mother called you in,
If when you were a teen you never knew how to work a remote control,
If as an adult you play outside because you're hooked on it, then,
I know you'll understand.

2003 Hawaii, Old School, Weed & The Split.

 Its interesting Rip Curl put Tami on my badge. I haven't gone by that name since I lived in Hawaii. 

(except I used 'my' instead of 'i') 

In 2001, for Thanksgiving, Rip Curl sent Mark and I to Oahu for the Vans Triple Crown. We had VIP seats for the Rip Curl Cup held at Sunset Beach. The waves were big and the surfing exciting as usual, especially with a drink in your hands and VIP food. Even though Mark had been to the islands many times since we moved away, this was the first time I had been there since I left in December of 1981. It was clear the North Shore had been bitten by the surf industry's retail Jezebel. A lot of changes had been made to the real estate, and, to those using it, but, that difference may be because I was older this time around.

We stayed in a big house at Laniakea. I had always enjoyed that break when I lived on the North Shore, it and it's neighbor Chun's Reef. One morning a girl staying in the house and I, walked to Chun's and paddled out. We caught it at 4 to 6 foot clean and uncrowded. That session reminded me of the good old days. Then every surfer from Waimea Bay to Haleiwa woke up and paddled out.

I want to say something here about calling wave heights. When you hear someone telling you how big the waves are you can tell where in the US they're from. On the West coast the waves are measured by the face. In Hawaii they call waves by the backs, which a West Coaster would have to double. For example 4 to 6 Hawaiian style is equal to 8 to 12 Cali. The East coast calls waves using the human body. They say, "It's knee to waist," or, "it's head high." During the summer we usually use ankle to knee. Henceforth, an 8 to 12 foot wave in Cali. equals a two foot over head, to double over head in Cape Hatteras or Sebastian Inlet...but waves like that pretty much only happen during hurricane season.

On Thanksgiving night Mark and I were attending a party at the Volcom house when Owen Wilson showed up. The place went wild with mayhem. Personally, I had lost my star strictness a long time ago, but I couldn't help maneuvering for a look at his cute face with that famous nose. I never saw it. The place was Animal House everywhere. Somehow I ended up near the bathroom, so I decided to get in line. While waiting I was offered some weed. After pondering it for a spell, I smiled and shook a grateful "thank you but no." The surfer smiled back and nodded, then with his hand motioned me to shut the bedroom door. I did, simultaneously, I opened that door in my head. For the first time I pondered weed again. I knew Mark had it around the house somewhere, so it was easy to come by....and why not? I thought, maybe it would connect the dots between Mark and I better.

Maui, Hawaii

Jumping forwards....

In 2003 Sarah and I spent our Spring Breaks in Paia, Maui. I rented a Mustang convertible so we could look like every other tourist. Not really, I just wanted topless speed on the fine Maui roads, and, Sarah wanted the wind in her hair. I concluded that even though I have a high respect for Mustangs, they have a lot of lose play on turns. They're slippery. Nissans and Infinities have such good handling on curves. They get low and tight. This was the moment I realized I had become a foreign car snob.

Anywho...

This Hawaiian vacation would bring me and my daughter face to face with David, Ethel, and Ray from the Huntington Beach days (see: the 1970s). Both Ray and Ethel looked the same, David however, had found some extra pounds. Ethel was a school teacher now and had trail bikes for us to ride. She took Sarah and I on a three hour ride in the beautiful hills above Paia. Ethel and I also surfed a couple of times at her favorite break near the bay. At one point she told me about some weed she had in her freezer. "I got it two years ago. It should still be good since its been frozen." she said. I passed. 

Ray and Ethel

David and Ray worked for Gott Glassing in Haiku. David had gotten married and was living the good nuclear life. Ray had rented a small place behind David and was splitting his time between Calif. and Maui. Because Ray's work schedule was flexible he was able to take me to surf spots where the waves were bigger and cleaner like Paukulalo. Sarah hung out at the hotel and flirted with the wind surfers who were in town for a contest. 

One day we all took a drive around the island to check out the waves on the Lahnina side. After surfing a small but consistent break near Honokowai we had food and drinks and filled Sarah's ears with stories of high school and Newport Beach. The day ended with us having dinner at David's place with his family and Ray. We watched old surf movies the two had made while surfing Baja in the 70s. Then Ray and I took Sarah back to the hotel and went out for drinks. We spent a charming evening reminiscing.   

Back on Pleasure Island Mark and I had finished remodeling our new CB condo. We also put a camera on the back deck that showed the waves at Sunskipper; a heavily localized, hard slamming, surf spot. The local surfers didn't like the camera and would climb the railings to spray stuff over the lens. Eventually that stopped when the locals realized how helpful the camera really was. When hurricane Isabel came through the camera became the most watched along the coast of NC. (Isabel was the hurricane that created Isabel Inlet south of Frisco in Cape Hatteras.)  

Back at home the waves were fantastic!

My local spot

This year Mark and I took a trip to Ixtapa Mexico and stayed at the luxurious Casa Buenaventura. I fell in love with the waves at Las Saldita and Trocones. They were a fun 4 to 8 feet the whole time with lots of glassy right and left point breaks. One day we drove up to Pascuales. The waves were huge! That place can get more slamming than Playa Hermosa in Costa Rica. I'll have to admit, I stayed on the beach reading my book. 

On this trip I entered the pondering door I had opened in Hawaii, 2001. I smoked weed for the first time since 1981. Mark got some from a local and we partook of the not-so-hot green seedy stuff. I had forgotten how peaceful a weed high can be. It also took away the pain in my neck that had hit sleepless night status. That trip to Mexico turned my proverbial leaf, happening to be Cannabis. Mark was elated, but that elation wouldn't last. 

When we got back home I was struck with the controversy of how Sarah would see my weed use and I felt hypocritical. I kept it hidden from her for awhile, only smoking occasionally. I was smoking cigarettes more (go figure that reasoning). The truth was, in 2003 I was walking the fence of personal compromise looking for a nice place to jump down, and deep inside, I was okay with that. Unfortunately, my new freedom didn't help Mark and I. We still had relating issues, even when we were high, so, compromise equaled more confusion everywhere. 

The year ended with Mark moving to the condo.

"All the writers of confessions from Augustine on down, have always remained a little in love with their sin."   Anatole France (1844-1924)

2002 Part 2: We Are All Brilliant & We Are All Fools

(My Favorite Poem)

During my first year at Cape Fear Community College I took all the intro classes that people take if they planed to transfer to a University. I took Intro to Communication Studies, Literature, Spanish, Math Science and General College Math. It had been a long time since I had to take a test that counted for a grade so I was pretty nervous. Once I got into the swing of things I was pulling A's. My Intro to Computing and Application (Computer stuff) class was difficult however. I'm not overly computer savvy. I had to cheat my way to a C in that class. It was the only C in my college career. 

The classes that really got my attention were Intro to Creative Writing, Sociology, and Psychology. Having read the Bible from cover to cover consecutively for so many years I had a fairly good idea about who God is that it talks about, consequently, I was pretty well grounded in my personal Faith. But now that I was studying Psychology and Sociology the question of Nature verses Nurture came up and I had to ask myself about the validity of science within faith. This opened a metaphysical Pandora's Box in my head. Creative Writing helped me put it on paper and in poems which I found very satisfying work. The truth was, I was well on my way to becoming a discerner of art and it felt good under my skin. 

Having raised two drama kids (Shaun being the performer and Sarah being the Thespian running the tech board and doing stage directions), I realized how exciting the arts were. Along with that awakening I discovered that God had intentions for me to not only love art but the artists as well. To do this I became enamored with the Mind. I wanted to know how it worked and what created motives. Was it science or faith? I was fully convinced that every person had a form of brilliance inside them, but they also had an equal amount of foolishness to deal with. I believed God could correct the foolishness and polish the brilliance, but us humans have a hard time separating the two long enough for the work to begin, let alone be completed. I wanted to understand why this was. Was it because of DNA, Geography, or God given natures? Thoughts like these I'd chew on like a cow's cud.   

     

During this time I started conversing with a long time friend of mine (L) who had moved to New York. We chatted about all the things I was struggling with and learning in school. L was like a Camus; independent, artistic, and a rebel. After a few months I started giving him the pieces of my heart that broke off when Mark told me everything I was studying was stupid and worthless. Eventually L became my best friend and the calls turned into emotional connections and poetry. I knew I was walking on a thin wire but it felt good to be in an understanding (without being physical) place. I got carless with the affair when I found Mark doing cocaine at a Hot Wax party we held at our house (which explained all the teeth grinding he'd been doing lately). I started considering visiting L in NY and maybe trying out the physical side of the affair, but I never did. There was no way I could justify something like that to God. What I did do however, was dive completely pell mell into all the new friendships I was making at school after that. Consequently, it didn't take long for me to be miles away from Mark in my head once I was with friends who spoke the same language I was learning....the language of Art. 

"Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful."

Antoine de Saint Exupery  

We sold our condo at Snowshoe and bought another one at Carolina Beach. As Mark and I were in the process of redecorating it I found myself sitting alone in the center of the torn apart kitchen crying. I was facing the hard fact that I didn't want to be married anymore. I wanted to get to know who I was and learn about what was next for me.     

  

Sarah was now a sophomore in high school and one of the most influential people I knew. Her strong character was working in her favor and I was very proud of her. We were very close. I told her I was considering moving out for awhile and I told her why. Because of her flimsy relationship with Mark she understood and wanted to go with me. "That wouldn't be a good idea because of school." I told her. "However you can visit when ever you want." I promised. We had a good cry together before I told Mark about my plans.

I moved to a small loft above a friend's house who I played softball with. I started smoking to calm my nerves. Then I smoked because I liked it. I had always been adamant about not smoking but it seemed I was turning into a hypocrite anyway so, what the hell. Mark and I started counseling but at this point I was tired of Mark's accusations that Sarah and I were in co-hoots against him and that we were evil and that I was unaware of the true meaning of God. Truth was, I didn't put much faith in the sessions. I was learning the vocabulary of the mental sciences and reading lots of books on Codependency which didn't help Mark's argument when the cocaine came up. When the L affair surfaced Mark was hurt so badly it dominated our counseling sessions from then on. The cocaine use got shuffled under the rug. After a while no one remembered who broke the trust in our marriage first. We both quit counseling.   

What finally go me to move back home was Sarah. She was having a hard time living alone with Mark. It was breaking my heart to hear her cry because he was telling her I was to blame for everything. "She had the affair. She's the one at fault." he'd tell her. He liked to convince every one that I was ungrateful, and that both Sarah and I would be nothing without him. When Sarah visited me in my little pad I saw the sorrow in her eyes and it killed me, so, I moved back home to be with her. And the truth was, my time spent in my little pad had reveled that I really needed to think about what I was giving up. What my life would be like without Mark and Hot Wax. Was I absolutely ready to turn my back on everything I was learning about myself while at school to continue in a relationship with a man who found me uninteresting, unfruitful, and who I could give nothing to he couldn't get himself? 

That was the million dollar question in 2002. 

When I was a child I would catch bees and tie strings around their legs. 

I delighted to watch them fly at the other end of my leash. 

I did not know that they could not help the flowers grow or make sweet honey while I held the other end of the string. 

Some of the bees even died. 

So did the butterflies I would catch and put in jars.

Tamara