Forty years after this picture was taken I found myself wondering what I was born to accomplish. And because I share the same birthday as Elvis, I would have celebrated 40 years of watching his hip jiving movies with my cake. It's also David Bowie's birthday. I still believe Bowie holds the Best Hair Ever award for his mullet in Labyrinth.
Thirty eight years after this was taken I needed to have a goal that would match my tenacious personality.
Twenty six years after this was drawn, I knew I wasn't this person.
Twenty three years after this picture was taken I knew I had found the reason to exercise and keep my body in shape, but what about my mind, spirit, and soul?
(Shaun with the ConnipTions)
One year after this picture was taken I knew my job as a Mother had been modified.
Two months after this picture was taken, I realized that Sarah was now the center of my attention. We needed each other. I also knew down in my spirit that when she would fly from home, leaving Mark and I alone together, that I would be unhappy.
This was the year to face the music.
In the year 2000 I found myself being called either Mark's wife, Shaun or Sarah's Mom, or, the Hot Wax lady. When I went places people would say to me, "Don't you own Hot Wax?" or, "Isn't that you on the radio doing the surf report?" It was kind of strange being noticed. I felt watched all the time. Personally, I don't know how celebrities do it day in and day out. The good thing was, at least no one is taking pictures of me pulling my pantie wads out or picking my nose. To some I was a role model, to others I was a judgmental bitch, to me, I was a part of something big that was now pushing me away.
We had good employees at Hot Wax that required minimal supervision (Shaun and Sarah being two of them). My job entailed rotating stock, decorating displays, clearing out the storage room, hiring, and settling employee disputes. Basically I was the head floor manager. These jobs allowed me to be flexible because I really only had to come in when something was happening like season changes, big sales, new inventory, and industry promotions (when pros came for expeditions). Both Mark and I did the inventory ordering...I took care of the returns. Mark did all the paper work, bookkeeping, dealing with creditors and other stuff like that, so, he had to be there more during office hours. If he wasn't chewing out a rep on the phone for trying to rip us off by sending us stuff we didn't order, he was shaping a custom ProLine or playing golf with Dave Endress, the guy who does the glassing of ProLines and shapes Pride surfboards.
The truth was, because I was spending most of my time doing all the things parents do for their teen agers and what wive's do for their husbands (what I call Domestic Engineering), I was spending only necessary time at HW. This in turn gave Mark the attitude that I was more of an intrusion. I was now faced with being pushed out mentally, (which I would find out later had a lot to do with all the drugs he was doing at work...and at home). By now, when I had an opinion about anything, Mark shot it down with his, "you're not there enough to understand anything about it." cut. What he forgot to realize was HW was a 24/7 worry and had been for 14 years now. Even though I wasn't there in the building it was all we'd talk about around the house. When Mark be-littled my suggestions it sliced a gash in my fibers and I would be left wondering what good I was anymore. Mark also did this when I tried to help his relationship with his daughter which was out of control by now.
To compensate for my frustration Mark would buy me something or send me on a trip. He did this to Sarah too. He had a habit of throwing money at problems....among other things. For Sarah and I, it was as if his shinny new pacifiers were suppose to keep us happy, submissive, and quiet. I personally think that comes from his Southern roots, but to us it was degrading. I needed him to appreciate my contribution, instead he'd pooh-hoo it by dangling carats. HW gave him the financial power to dangle some big ones too. In fact, HW gave Mark the power to spend money like crazy! I couldn't complain about the trips and the stuff because they were nice, but, I couldn't help being on slotted with the requirements they came with. Subconsciously Mark had one condition that came with his pacifiers...it was called worship.
I had to do something for me that would bring me into my own, but, I didn't know what that was. Sarah said I should go back to school...she was definitely on to something.
By the time Fall of 2000 came around I was taking 12 hours of classes at my local Community Collage and Sarah started high school. Interestingly enough, education was a journey we ended up taking together. When Mark saw me willfully move away from the shop, it rattled him, and, when he saw that I wasn't going to hate our daughter like he did he'd spit insults at me. I'm not kidding about this either. The fights Mark and Sarah had were horrible. I always told Mark it was his duty to stop the madness because he was the "older and wiser" parent, but, for some reason he liked antagonizing her until she'd scream or cry. It'd pissed me off to the point of disgust. Soon he was arguing about how Sarah and I were teaming up against him and he'd call me "In cahoots with the devil." Sarah and I fought too, but we rarely got into out-of-control-ness. I was willing to give Sarah the last word, because I knew I'd aways have the last say.
The truth was that when I went back to school Sarah became my greatest ally. She supported my quest to become Wonder Woman and I supported her quest to be independent of her condescending Father. I guess in that way Sarah and I were on the same team. We both wanted to individually give something to the world that it would not get without us...and we didn't want to be called the devil for doing it. By now Mark's carats were less and less influential for both Sarah and I so, life at home started unraveling quickly.
When Mark saw me making friends with intellectuals at school he became verbally cruel and arrogant towards any idea outside the box he had in his head concerning God, wisdom and the human brain. He not only disliked my friends but also the authors of the books I read. "They're nothing but idiots," he said all the time. It got to the point that I could never talk about my personal quest for contentment with him. I also had to keep Mark away from my new acquaintances because he'd start arguments buy calling them stupid to their face. It was embarrassing and sad. Mark and I were definitely not on the same page in the year 2000... in fact, we were heading for different books (lives) all together.
I fell in love with school and made good grades. I decided after I got my Associates in Arts I would transfer to UNC Wilmington and go for a Bachelors. When I started school I was planning to become a Christian Councilor, later however, I realized I was in for a different type of journey and I was thrilled to the core about it. During this time Sarah and I had each other's backs, and God had my motivation.
It was going to be a new millennium...no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose Oneself.
Kierkegaard
No comments:
Post a Comment